I’ve Got An Issue #22: Candy Corn: The bane of candy


Welcome to I’ve Got An Issue!

In honor of Halloween, I have decided to write about the absolute worst of the worst of the candies, candy corn. I’m not a huge candy consumer. On rare occasions, I’ll chew gum and even rarer ones I’ll have a Reese’s peanut butter cup. This all started yesterday, when I was browsing through Facebook. I came across a status that stated “Why do people hate candy corn so much? They’re so good”. My friend who I’ll call T Liza posted this and little did I know a small rage slash rant was building. I found myself silently screaming at my phone yet calmly writing why I felt this way towards a candy I used to eat when I was younger. Younger me could care less about what it taste like. The candy corn was awesome then along with all the candy that could possibly damage my teeth because self control never developed as a child. Let’s be honest, it never develops as a child. The id is the king while ego and superego just nod in agreement.

I pondered what was the big deal? It is just candy. Plus I don’t even eat candy so what’s problem?

YOU SEE

THIS IS DEEPER THAN THAT

IT IS DEEPER THAN RAP

IT IS DEEPER THAN WRAPS

IT BROUGHT ABOUT FLASHBACKS!

Maybe three years ago, I had some candy corn from a mix of candy left over from handing out candy. This was a rare event. I figured it would be fine since we had some gum that I abused because gum is my weakness. I mean candy corn can’t be that bad I thought. You know what I took away from that? Crippling realization. I TASTED NOTHING. I TASTED AIR. I TASTED A BLANK. IT TASTED LIKE ABSOLUTE DESPAIR AND REMINDER THAT YOU WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE. IT TASTED LIKE THE BAD PART OF ADULTHOOD. IT WAS SOUL CRUSHING. THIS CANDY I USED TO LIKE HAS BECOME A SYMBOL OF REALITY AND BLANDNESS.

I say if you handed out any candy corn this year, you have insulted those children who knocked on your door this year. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY REALLY WANTED! NOT THIS SAD EXCUSE FOR A CANDY, NOT THIS COLESLAW OF CANDY (Ok I like coleslaw shoot me lol). They came for the decent sized Snickers, Milky Way, starburst, those little pretzels, M&Ms, Skittles, NERDS, Kit Kats, Twixs, Reese’s, Gum, and maybe an occasional apple because that one neighbor has to make a stand that “candy isn’t good for kids, but this apple sure is”.  YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS A STUPID STANCE FOR CHILDREN, BUT IT IS BETTER THAN GETTING A PILE OF USELESS CANDY CORN. NUTRITION FOR THE WIN RIGHT? HOWEVER, DO NOT BE CELERY OR CARROT PERSON, YOU ARE WORST THAN THE CANDY CORN PEOPLE. MY POINT IS, YOU KNOW WHAT THE KIDS TRICK OR TREAT FOR! The kids came for the elite of candy! They didn’t come for sadness, silent sighs, the realization you aren’t a cool for this, and confused looks. They aren’t trying to be reminder that reality is knocking soon and you’ll have to change your entire diet to not be ridiculed, lose your teeth or just die. Candy Corn is that reminder.

TO counterpoint, my own point there are some people who absolutely love candy corn. People who taste marshmallows instead of blank box I taste. That’s fine and dandy for them. Great for them I say. Maybe this candy doesn’t represent crushing defeat, reality and a slap in the face. The weird thing is I would probably be amazed that you could stomach more than one of those. I would want to be your friend, but never would say it. I would want to understand the happiness candy corn brings to you. I have so many questions and observations to make of you. Did I mention I would become a robot in this scenario?

To Counterpoint the Counterpoint, NO.

Candy corn will remain the bottom of the barrel of candy. It is the bane of candy on Halloween. DO not hand that out to trick or treaters. Do not be celery or carrot guy because candy avoided you as a child. You weird weird child. If you are going to give out a healthy alternative, do an apple or some naaaaaaaaaaatureeeebox. If you are gonna be the cool house, get that good stuff for the treaters. Spend a little money to bring a smile to some kids faces and frowns to the parents. You ruined their teeth. Remember, candy corn is the bane of candy and shouldn’t taste like one of these _____. That’s a blank.

Don’t be a candy corn.
Be your favorite candy of choice.
And if it’s candy corn….
I may have to interview you.

Happy Halloween and be safe!!!

P.S. WHY CAN’T ADULTS HAVE TRICK OR TREATING? Oh wait we got sexy outfits for significant others and bars. Sigh, loneliness and straight edge lifestyle won’t get those. EH.

Till next time!

-MCZX

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