Christmas Crush Movie Review… Merry Christmas.


Welcome to….wait…wrong series.

First things first, Merry Christmas to everyone out there! I hope you are all safe, got to spend time with your families and most importantly got what you wanted from Santa. Whether that is peace, a PS4, Xbox One, a love life, closure, good health, or a movie review from one of your favorite bloggers.

Well I got you on that movie review! You see last night I was pursuing on twitter and comedian Lauren Flans said the following:

@LaurenFlans
“I have found it. I have found THE worst made-for-TV Christmas movie EVER MADE. It’s on Netflix. It’s called Christmas Crush. Treat yourself.”

To which I responded with:

@UKnowBoutMatt
I’ll check it out I have nothing better to do lol.

Everyone, I wish I didn’t watch this movie…I wish I didn’t commit to my tweet, I wish I could have my hour and twenty minutes back because Christmas Crush maybe one of the worst romantic comedies and Christmas movies I have ever seen. I was amazed at how bad it was. SO I figured since I didn’t do a special this year, WHY not share my experience with Christmas Crush. After all, I won the internet last night because of watching this film. Buckle up because you are in for very uncomfortable generic ride! Thank you for this gift, Lauren because….I got this out of it. This is Christmas Crush also known as Holiday High School Reunion on IMDB.  This movie is so bad it doesn’t even know what it’s name is. Damn shame. Also this is  spoiler free because I want you to see it…you need to see this.

THE PLOT

“Stuffing bras is your job, Thinking will get you fired.” One minute in and I was already disgusted. Clearly thinking does not need to occur when writing movies like this. When I said this movie is generic, I was not kidding. All you need total is fifteen minutes to figure out the plot. Fifteen minutes and you will already know the end of the movie. Here is the plot: girl has a crappy job, comes home for Christmas, has flashbacks about ex, has 3 best friends who really aren’t friends, has a male best friend who likes her, gets an invite for a high school reunion at Preston High (really who holds a reunion during Christmas?), misses and plans to get ex back as motivation to go to the reunion, and hilarity is supposed to ensue. That’s it. If you can’t figure out what the main character is going to learn about herself after fifteen minutes of watching this film, you haven’t seen many films. I can’t go any further into the plot without spoiling the movie. Honestly, it wouldn’t matter if I spoiled the movie. It is that bad, but I want you to be the judge. Made for TV my ass, a bad film is a bad film.

THE CHARACTERS

Georgia Hunt – The protagonist of the movie. She is a delusional twenty-eight year old with crappy job with a fashion company. She was voted most likely to succeed in High School also part of the cheerleading team. I cared nothing for Georgia Hunt because she reminds me of women who will ignore greatness if it sat next to them. She reminds me of women who cannot catch on to cues. She reminds me of women who will alter their memories to meet the narrative in their brain. She reminds me of women who have millions of flashbacks for every little thing. OH IT HAPPENS A LOT IN THIS MOVIE. I will admit she is likable at times in the movie, but overall I just don’t care. She was too generic for me. She is cute, but whatever man. I wasn’t invested in her character because there wasn’t much to invest in. Basically generic Lifetime protagonist.

Ben Oliver – The male protagonist of the movie I guess. He is Georgia’s ride or die since high school. If you don’t know what ride or die means, this means he is Georgia’s best friend. Ben is an artist and was one of the weird kids in school that some how befriended one of the most popular girls in school. It turns out Georgia isn’t a complete idiot or bad person. Ben, unfortunately, is one of those hopeless romantics who think their best friend they fell in love with will eventually understand that they love them in that way. OF course the artist never gets the girl over the meathead. It never happens. She’ll realize that the artist type actually cares and dates him in 10 years. 10 years. Let me tell you something, Ben Oliver was the only character I was invested in because he reminded me of myself. I fell in love with my best friend too except she didn’t fall in love with a jockass meathead, she fell for a quality person so kudos to him I guess. This is me being mature. I was one of the weird kids and she was cool too. I yelled at the screen so many times at Ben because I didn’t want him to save her. Of course he will never listen, but I had to yell. DON’T DO IT when she is completely oblivious to the fact that he likes her. In my case, she knows very well I love her and still do. Team Ben is the only team that matters in this movie. THIS MOVIE SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABOUT BEN.

Craig – Craig has no last name. Craig is a typical meathead who should have grown up after high school, but throwing a football into a punchbowl still requires high fives from bros. He is a meathead jock who used to date Georgia. He is the reason for the season of Georgia returning to fiend him. Basically…think College bro meathead who likes football and you have Craig. He sucks a bag of spikes.

Tory – Also has no last name. Very unlikeable. Apparently she is Georgia’s best friend despite being in competition with her since high school. She is a lingerie model and works in fashion business. Tory is part of the glee club too. You will hate Tory immediately trust me she is the worst.

Heather – What is the deal with no last names? Generic Blonde who is obsessed with her weight while having a chocolate addiction. That is her only thing in the movie. I’m serious.

Katie – Another one with no last name….I guess the writer’s just said screw it. Katie likes older men. Katie has orgasms hearing the periodic table (I’m DEAD ASS SERIOUS THIS HAPPENS IN THE MOVIE). Katie wants to sleep with an old teacher. There I saved you sometime.

Mr. Taylor – Katie sleeps with Mr. Taylor. Teacher at Preston High.

Beverly Hunt – Georgia Hunt’s Mom and Teacher at Preston High.

Brooke – No last name. Just randomly appears in the movie and apparently knows Ben.

MOMENTS IN THE MOVIE THAT PISSED ME OFF

You know what instead of going all in depth about how this movie is bad for the Christmas culture, I decided to compile a few moments from the film that left me speechless. I mean there is really nothing more to say about this film without spoiling it.

  • “Stuffing bras is your job, Thinking will get you fired.” This is one minute in the movie. It makes you question the company she is working for.
  • “He used my necklace, I’m a genius. *Hums O Holy Night*” I definitely don’t understand the sequence. I mean it kinda makes sense later on in the film.
  • A PHOTO SHE HAS A FLASHBACK ON IS PHOTO SHOPPED. I KID YOU NOT, THAT PICUTRE IS PHOTOSHOPPED OR MY EYES ARE DECEIVING ME. NO SERIOUSLY I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT THIS PHOTO AND TELL ME THIS ISN’T PHOTOSHOPPED.  I KNOW YALL CAN SEE THAT OR I AM TRIPPING.Photo
  • THAT FREAKING PERIODIC TABLE SCENE. FELLAS TAKE NOTES ON THIS SCENE…JUST THIS SCENE!
  • CLICHES EXTRAORDINAIRE
  • SUPER COMMON TROPES
  • This entire film.

I seriously had enough talking about this move…go to the final rating please.

FINAL RATING

Christmas Crush or Holiday High School Reunion (which is a much worse name than Christmas Crush) is probably as Lauren said one of the worst made-for-tv Christmas movies ever made. She wasn’t lying. She wasn’t joking around like I thought because Comedians do that some times. She was absolutely right. I wasted an hour and twenty-seven minutes of my life suffering through this film. I know made-for-tv films aren’t near the caliber of major motion pictures, but can the writers, producers, and directors of films like these at least try to make them amazing. Just a little effort is all I ask. It was like Christmas Crush was slapped together by a bunch of angsty adults who hate their lives and wanted a film to represent their hope to find happiness. Why rely on some many cliches and generic tropes throughout the film? Is it easier to just not try? For example, why have so many flashback scenes if the characters still look like they are 30 in high school? No one thought wait, maybe we should hire four younger actors to play the characters in these flashbacks. I don’t understand. Film is supposed to be an art from we take seriously. Effort and time must go in it in order for greatness to come out of it. Maybe in 2012, this was acceptable. To be fair, this isn’t the absolute worse film of all time, but when it comes to made-for-tv- movies this takes the crown. The film is average at best. Nothing is special about it. You might not even get as mad as I was when you finish the film. My only peace is that I survived the horrors of the average and generic Christmas Crush.

Thank you Lauren Flans for tweeting about this monstrosity of a Christmas movie. It really brought a lot of anger out of me. Hell I reviewed the freaking thing. Thank you again for being awesome on Twitter. It was a fun night of yelling at my computer screen. Now reader go on your Netflix or borrow a friend’s and watch a Christmas Crush. I hope you survive through this film. It the only prize I can offer you!

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars on Netflix. 2 out of 10 in life.

Till next review! I’m MC Zero  X.

Bye Bye!

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